[ jonas, who is only maybe a third aware as alex about how the loops go and how things are in general: yes being the outsider and having to work to not seem weird and unusual is normal.
but...alex says that and he starts to kind of doubt what he's saying, going quiet and sipping his lukewarm coffee. ]
...maybe we don't need to think about it too much. Don't worry about it.
[ she nods at first and just lets that sit for a long moment.
but eventually: ]
... We can disagree, you know. It's not like you had been to the island before. [ that comes out more pointed than she means it to. it wasn't supposed to sound mean—but it's hard to make such a firm distinction between you and me not sound a little unkind. ]
It's not weird that it wasn't... [ words. ] Ugh. You know?
[ begging him not to take this so seriously. he does, momentarily, but he doesn't say it out loud. it takes a few moments to wrestle back a comment like "yeah, well, excuse me for not having that kind of privilege to just do these things" or "and i probably wouldn't have if you weren't forced to bring me along, right?"
he knows that's not what alex meant. but it does kind of rub at him. in a way he can't entirely shake off right away. so it's another drink of his coffee and an attempt to temper his words. ]
Yeah. I know. [ he's not sure what they're agreeing to disagree on this time. ] Don't get me wrong, this place is still weird. There's a lot of...uncharted territory for us.
[ he says 'i know' but she gets the feeling he doesn't? but she isn't sure how else to say it or what more to add - and also doesn't really understand that she'd been the one to say something kind of mean. once again, she lapses into a weird silence where she can't settle on what to say.
she's thinking: of course it's uncharted territory? everything is? they only just met.
only it doesn't feel like they only just met, exactly. so for some reason she doesn't actually want to point that out. ]
[ mmrrr...he knows what she's doing. this is just what they do, at this rate, because the whole night on the island was jonas flying too close to the sun of asking questions and trying to insert himself into things and just be a normal person, and when he played it off alex would walk back and drag out the things he had decided not to say. it's a little funny and weird both to think he's spent more time with her dead than alive, but...he hadn't been lying when he told someone sometimes it felt like he'd known her for forever.
he hasn't. he knows that. he's always at least a little self-aware that he's the new guy who doesn't have the history or the memories she has with other people (certainly not her actual brother) but he's almost certain that they both know how to read between each other's lines enough by now.
so. it's probing and he gives her a Look but he does concede. ]
...I don't know. [ which isn't exactly true, and it feels more like an opening than anything. ] It's you and me separated from other people, trying to figure out which people to send where and bring with us to get everyone on the same page to get us out of here. Sometimes you say things I'm already thinking about, or we both come to the same conclusion without having to say it at all and I guess it's just...the last time something totally insane happened, we were together. That's all.
[ it's, like, close enough to what he's getting at. ]
[ she doesn't get exactly all that he's thinking from that. she's... maybe too wrapped up in her own, completely different version of feeling out of place from other people to be picking up on how he's feeling in that regard.
but "it's you and me," and "you say things i'm already thinking," and "we come to the same conclusions." that part feels like something she'd already internalized without really thinking about.
like taking it for granted, a bit?
when she does drag things out of him, she doesn't want to make them feel like such a big deal that he won't want to do open up again. so her voice is a little soft, maybe. tentative. ]
Yeah. No, that makes sense. It's still you and me.
[ the afterlife is great when you're both too stupid to figure out what exactly you're feeling and how to explain it (or even if you want to explain it) to the other person.
in a way, it's fine if she doesn't get it. jonas himself is still trying to sort through how disjointed everything feels. the last several months have been kind of a weird logistics nightmare for him, and then the night on the island was an actual nightmare and then they died, so. whatever. he guesses.
he's been thinking of it a lot over the last few days. people saying that they're lucky to have each other, or that alex is a nice girl, or that it's probably a relief that they can be on the same team. he doesn't disagree. but he's very aware of alex's strengths and his weaknesses and how they work together to figure things out.
it's just embarrassing and stupid to point it out to her word for word. expressing himself in general still feels a little embarrassing and stupid to say word for word, and while he should maybe feel more self-conscious about her tone, he accepts it for what it is. ]
So...disagreeing on stuff is fine. Because we agree more than disagree. And...I guess having you here makes it easier to try to figure out what I'm doing. [ because if he fucks up somewhere or it gets too disjointed and overwhelming to talk to so many people and try to make himself appealing without looking like he's trying too hard...he has alex to fall back on to realign his actions. ]
[ jonas: going through several months of high-speed hell. meanwhile alex: fully disassociating for months straight. which is to say: they're doing great.
she's just trying to... figure him out right now. they work so well together and most things come so naturally with them that whenever something doesn't click right away, she wants to either sweep it under the rug quickly or try to figure it out.
and sweeping things under the rug feels a whole lot less sustainable when they know they'll be here for weeks. if it's one awful night that they just need to get through, then sure, fine. brush past things and move on and think you'll deal with it later. but it'll be a problem in a tense, weeks-long situation if he backs off from things he wants to say. ]
You know I feel the same way, right? We're, like... We're a team. You and me. And then the rest.
[ another thought that's meaner out loud than how she's thinking it, but at least this time it's not mean to him? it's just that they had done all the running around together, just the two of them. they had tuned into the signal in the cave. they had gone into the bomb shelter. everything in-between. none of the others had stuck with her the whole night. it's different. ]
It's not some—some one way thing. [ a slight pause, because she's said this before but. he hadn't exactly been there to hear it. ] I need you.
[ there is truly no reason "it's okay to tell me if we experience things a little differently" needed to turn into this but. things are rough, okay. ]
[ he's come to sort of understand that alex sometimes says things without thinking. sort of, in that sometimes she does it and it hits him in a way that he can't recover immediately, and sometimes he remembers that she really is not listening to herself.
the point is, he doesn't think this is mean of her to say. because that's...yeah, that's what he was getting at there. the whole night it had been the two of them, even when there was the suggestion of them splitting up again when they met up with nona and ren. it was him and alex who went into the cave. it was him and alex who went up to the comm tower. it was him and alex who found all of their friends in varying states of distress, watched each other become possessed and be possessed and go into a bomb shelter to fix things once and for all.
god. it's so, so stupid, but...the line of tension in his shoulders disappears when he hears her say that. "you know i feel the same way, right?" logically, yes. but the situation had changed and maybe her feelings about sticking around him had, too. he doesn't know. this is still a whole thing. and then she continues, and she says "i need you" and the rest of the balled-up stress and anxious little wad of whatever in his chest just kind of filters out.
things are rough and they really do not need to be talking about this right now, but. maybe they do. ]
Even though we're teaming up with other people...it's our team first. [ "our team" being the two of them. he, at least, has the self awareness to realize what that sounds like. ] Not in a way that I'm going to let anything else happen to them either, but...we're like partners. Right? You're gonna be the first person I go to for just about anything, but. [ again, he would love to just go "and whatever, it's cool, good talk" but seven weeks is a long-ass time. ]
I just...wanted to make sure it was the same even if we're not there anymore. [ he'd called it familiar because how he felt about them was the same. so. hearing that it wasn't kind of made him wonder, and all he really needed was for alex to say "i still trust you and you can trust me." i hate him. ]
... and then she visibly flounders, because she feels like that should take more words. it feels as if it's so important that it should get a whole big speech to prove it or to explain it. or maybe she should clarify that she feels the same way about the team - that she'll do everything she can for them, but at the end of all of this it will still be jonas above everyone else. ]
[ hysterically, just the immediate answer and no follow up seems to work for him. there's a brief moment he's watching her, like he's trying to figure something out, but it's followed by a slow nod.
that's it. he believes her when she says it, and he accepts it for what it is. ]
Okay. [ okay? literally all of that and for what. he seems to realize this may seem like it was just...a weird tangent though, so he sighs. ] It's been a long couple of days.
[ but at least it helps knowing where they stand. without noticing, they seem to have slipped back into sync. ]
[ she makes a sound that's part-sigh part-laugh, and some of the tension leaves her, too. she offers a tired smile. ]
Yeah. Long couple of days.
[ except. time feels like it's moving fast. each new day is jarring and too-soon. she keeps saying that it feels like they have so much time - after the tightly compacted chaos of rushing off the island by morning, having days to form their team sounds like so much. and it is so much.
it's a hard feeling to articulate, so she just doesn't.
she figures it's not particularly relevant, anyway. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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so.
unfamiliar. ]
... You think so? To me it's all... crazy-town. I don't know.
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but...alex says that and he starts to kind of doubt what he's saying, going quiet and sipping his lukewarm coffee. ]
...maybe we don't need to think about it too much. Don't worry about it.
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but eventually: ]
... We can disagree, you know. It's not like you had been to the island before. [ that comes out more pointed than she means it to. it wasn't supposed to sound mean—but it's hard to make such a firm distinction between you and me not sound a little unkind. ]
It's not weird that it wasn't... [ words. ] Ugh. You know?
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he knows that's not what alex meant. but it does kind of rub at him. in a way he can't entirely shake off right away. so it's another drink of his coffee and an attempt to temper his words. ]
Yeah. I know. [ he's not sure what they're agreeing to disagree on this time. ] Don't get me wrong, this place is still weird. There's a lot of...uncharted territory for us.
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she's thinking: of course it's uncharted territory? everything is? they only just met.
only it doesn't feel like they only just met, exactly. so for some reason she doesn't actually want to point that out. ]
Okay...
[ probing. ] So... What about it is familiar?
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he hasn't. he knows that. he's always at least a little self-aware that he's the new guy who doesn't have the history or the memories she has with other people (certainly not her actual brother) but he's almost certain that they both know how to read between each other's lines enough by now.
so. it's probing and he gives her a Look but he does concede. ]
...I don't know. [ which isn't exactly true, and it feels more like an opening than anything. ] It's you and me separated from other people, trying to figure out which people to send where and bring with us to get everyone on the same page to get us out of here. Sometimes you say things I'm already thinking about, or we both come to the same conclusion without having to say it at all and I guess it's just...the last time something totally insane happened, we were together. That's all.
[ it's, like, close enough to what he's getting at. ]
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but "it's you and me," and "you say things i'm already thinking," and "we come to the same conclusions." that part feels like something she'd already internalized without really thinking about.
like taking it for granted, a bit?
when she does drag things out of him, she doesn't want to make them feel like such a big deal that he won't want to do open up again. so her voice is a little soft, maybe. tentative. ]
Yeah. No, that makes sense. It's still you and me.
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in a way, it's fine if she doesn't get it. jonas himself is still trying to sort through how disjointed everything feels. the last several months have been kind of a weird logistics nightmare for him, and then the night on the island was an actual nightmare and then they died, so. whatever. he guesses.
he's been thinking of it a lot over the last few days. people saying that they're lucky to have each other, or that alex is a nice girl, or that it's probably a relief that they can be on the same team. he doesn't disagree. but he's very aware of alex's strengths and his weaknesses and how they work together to figure things out.
it's just embarrassing and stupid to point it out to her word for word. expressing himself in general still feels a little embarrassing and stupid to say word for word, and while he should maybe feel more self-conscious about her tone, he accepts it for what it is. ]
So...disagreeing on stuff is fine. Because we agree more than disagree. And...I guess having you here makes it easier to try to figure out what I'm doing. [ because if he fucks up somewhere or it gets too disjointed and overwhelming to talk to so many people and try to make himself appealing without looking like he's trying too hard...he has alex to fall back on to realign his actions. ]
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she's just trying to... figure him out right now. they work so well together and most things come so naturally with them that whenever something doesn't click right away, she wants to either sweep it under the rug quickly or try to figure it out.
and sweeping things under the rug feels a whole lot less sustainable when they know they'll be here for weeks. if it's one awful night that they just need to get through, then sure, fine. brush past things and move on and think you'll deal with it later. but it'll be a problem in a tense, weeks-long situation if he backs off from things he wants to say. ]
You know I feel the same way, right? We're, like... We're a team. You and me. And then the rest.
[ another thought that's meaner out loud than how she's thinking it, but at least this time it's not mean to him? it's just that they had done all the running around together, just the two of them. they had tuned into the signal in the cave. they had gone into the bomb shelter. everything in-between. none of the others had stuck with her the whole night. it's different. ]
It's not some—some one way thing. [ a slight pause, because she's said this before but. he hadn't exactly been there to hear it. ] I need you.
[ there is truly no reason "it's okay to tell me if we experience things a little differently" needed to turn into this but. things are rough, okay. ]
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the point is, he doesn't think this is mean of her to say. because that's...yeah, that's what he was getting at there. the whole night it had been the two of them, even when there was the suggestion of them splitting up again when they met up with nona and ren. it was him and alex who went into the cave. it was him and alex who went up to the comm tower. it was him and alex who found all of their friends in varying states of distress, watched each other become possessed and be possessed and go into a bomb shelter to fix things once and for all.
god. it's so, so stupid, but...the line of tension in his shoulders disappears when he hears her say that. "you know i feel the same way, right?" logically, yes. but the situation had changed and maybe her feelings about sticking around him had, too. he doesn't know. this is still a whole thing. and then she continues, and she says "i need you" and the rest of the balled-up stress and anxious little wad of whatever in his chest just kind of filters out.
things are rough and they really do not need to be talking about this right now, but. maybe they do. ]
Even though we're teaming up with other people...it's our team first. [ "our team" being the two of them. he, at least, has the self awareness to realize what that sounds like. ] Not in a way that I'm going to let anything else happen to them either, but...we're like partners. Right? You're gonna be the first person I go to for just about anything, but. [ again, he would love to just go "and whatever, it's cool, good talk" but seven weeks is a long-ass time. ]
I just...wanted to make sure it was the same even if we're not there anymore. [ he'd called it familiar because how he felt about them was the same. so. hearing that it wasn't kind of made him wonder, and all he really needed was for alex to say "i still trust you and you can trust me." i hate him. ]
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[ just. immediately saying that very firmly.
... and then she visibly flounders, because she feels like that should take more words. it feels as if it's so important that it should get a whole big speech to prove it or to explain it. or maybe she should clarify that she feels the same way about the team - that she'll do everything she can for them, but at the end of all of this it will still be jonas above everyone else. ]
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that's it. he believes her when she says it, and he accepts it for what it is. ]
Okay. [ okay? literally all of that and for what. he seems to realize this may seem like it was just...a weird tangent though, so he sighs. ] It's been a long couple of days.
[ but at least it helps knowing where they stand. without noticing, they seem to have slipped back into sync. ]
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Yeah. Long couple of days.
[ except. time feels like it's moving fast. each new day is jarring and too-soon. she keeps saying that it feels like they have so much time - after the tightly compacted chaos of rushing off the island by morning, having days to form their team sounds like so much. and it is so much.
it's a hard feeling to articulate, so she just doesn't.
she figures it's not particularly relevant, anyway. ]
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but he doesn't know enough to think there's something else in what she says, and he looks over his shoulder briefly before he shrugs. ]
...come on. We should go find where we want to crash tonight. Kind of doubt we'll get much else done today.
[ and maybe it's just an offer to reset and start again tomorrow. it isn't bedtime, but it gives them a task to do. that's enough. ]